the Expressway

Today was not my favorite day. I got up at my usual late hour, showered, and set off for Kaiser. I had no breakfast because I was going in for a 14 hour fasting blood test. I took my morning pills with water, though. I had had a midnight snack of cheese and crackers and grapes so it was not difficult to fast until 2 pm. I went in that late because I had an appointment at 2:45 for a class on the different tests for colon cancer. Ewww, yuck. I don't even want to think about them. My doc says that Kaiser likes to start them at age 50 and I am almost 51 so it is time to start already, already.

So I'm driving along on Ramona EXPRESSWAY going expressly fast for no reason except that everyone else is going expressly fast, too. Go with the flow, and all that. I'm not late, just driving along. Then I see a black and white car do a U-turn and start following me with red and blue lights flashing! Oh, plaahh. I pull over and fumble in the glove compartment for all the right papers. Do I have the registration? It's due soon, is it expired? No, Da would never let that happen. Why are the dates on the insurance card so old? Will he notice? Where did I put the current one? What about that car ahead of me that was going even faster? At least the picture on my driver's license is decent. Does he care? I patiently wait for him to go back to his black-and-white and do who knows what. He comes back and gives me all my papers back along with a long yellow slip. Guess what? I got my third ticket in 34 years of driving. I hate driving even more now. He tells me to drive safely. What? I'm going to be bad now? I carefully turn on my turn signal (En would be proud) and get back on the expressway that is not really an expressway to me anymore and continue on to Kaiser. I carefully go the speed limit and ignore all the tailgaters. I feel like waving the long yellow slip at them as they impatiently pass me. I remember how I impatiently passed people like me all the time.

At Kaiser I have enough time to get a LARGE hot mocha before going downstairs to the lab for my blood test. I need consolation. They put so much whipped cream on top that I cannot attach the lid to it so I just lay the lid on top of the whipped cream and hope that it doesn't make a mess as the cream melts into the coffee. I cannot drink it until after the test. Thankfully, I am the only patient in the lab and get to go right in, no waiting. They take my blood and I can drink my mocha.

Down the hall and around the corner is the conference room for the class. I am not the last one to arrive. In fact, I have time to do some embroidery as I wait. I love whipped cream. I already know everything they are teaching. Except I didn't know that one can refuse any test. I thought one has to do what the doctors say. Hmmm... In my mood I think refusing all tests is a good option. I don't feel like doing what I'm told to do anymore. Why must I drive 55 mph, anyway? At the end of the session I sign up for the most invasive test because it only needs to be done once every 10 years. And they use sedation. I need sedation. I find it ironic that I resent being forced to drive safely as I sign up for cancer screening. Do I want to live or not? I am so NOT ambivalent. Now I just have to find a driver that is willing to give up 6 hours of their time for me since they won't let you drive home afterwards because of the sedation. Really, I don't need to be sedated. I just need to find someone else to drive because I quit.